Schism
by Rhianona
Summary: xover with Harry Potter. Before he worked for Torchwood, Ianto Jones was a Hufflepuff. After the events of Cyberwoman, he reconnects with some old friends.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Torchwood and Harry Potter do not belong to me._

_**Author's Note:** much thanks to my beta, a. ross. This is a massive au for both Torchwood and Harry Potter. Important things to know: this is au after Goblet of Fire. No horcruxes, no Deathly Hollows. The war lasted for nine years, and was hard fought. This begins during the episode Cyberwoman. _

***

Torchwood Three would be the first to admit that they really didn't know all that much about their tea boy, Ianto Jones. They never asked, and he never volunteered, preferring to stay in the shadows. One could even say he had perfected the qualities of his House: hardworking, steadfast, loyal, and above all, quietly providing what was needed before someone had to ask. Had they had full access to his file, they would have been shocked. In point of fact, Jack had barely glanced at it when he had finally agreed to take in the Torchwood One refugee. Even if he had done more than briefly scan it, he would not have seen more than the basic biographical information, and a note mentioning his recruitment at the age of 24 on the recommendation of someone in the government. Perhaps if he had done a more thorough check, he and the rest of his team wouldn't have been so blind-sided at Ianto's act of bringing his half-converted Cyberwoman girlfriend into the Hub. But Jack didn't bother to give Ianto's file more than a cursory look, more intent on wondering if he could get the handsome Welshman to do more than spar with him verbally than inquiring why Ianto would want to continue working for Torchwood. Jack let his surprise and hurt at Ianto's act of betrayal rip through him, and he ordered the man to execute the thing that should have died at Canary Wharf. Only after Ianto had disappeared back into the Hub did Jack calm down enough to realize that Ianto would need help and, more importantly, if he had kept the thing alive and hidden since he had started working at Three, would probably not comply with the order. He signaled for the other members of his team to follow Ianto into the dark, intent on stopping the latest threat to the Earth.

To their great surprise they found Ianto standing over both the Cyberwoman and the pizza girl, gun in hand, the discharge from the gun echoing in the silence.

***

Ianto's hands were covered in blood. He was on his knees, sobbing, panting, covered in blood. His Lisa, his beautiful Lisa, the woman supposed to represent normality, to remind him that life was still beautiful. Now she lay dead, her brain missing, blood soaking his hands, coating the floor.

He jerked as he heard his name. He rose to his feet, gun in his hand automatically. He panted, his mind fracturing as he tried to take in his surroundings. A young girl, claiming to be Lisa. Blood on her head, splattered on her shirt. The smell brought him back to the past: Canary Wharf, with the heat of the fires, the screams of people as they died and were converted. The Final Battle, colors from curses flying overhead, screams, cries, blood, and everything a blur, trying to keep calm - even as he kept his wand in his hand, flinging his own curses at the black-robed, white-masked men and women on the field of battle. Ignoring the cries of the falling and fallen.

In the dungeons being tortured.

At home, his parents dead, cut down before they could even defend themselves. His sister screaming under the c_ruciatus_ ; his brother crying out as the Death Eaters cast _reducto_ and bone crushing and flesh eating and cutting curses. Being held, forced to watch, a Death Eater telling him in exquisite detail what they have planned for him.

He fired as she advanced, tuning out her words, his surroundings as his finger pulled and pulled and pulled and she jerked backwards, blood erupting on her torso. Unaware of what was happening. Just kept pulling the trigger.

Hands on his, pulling the gun from him, pulling him away from the bodies. Vague awareness as Gwen and Tosh lead him back to the main area of the Hub. Warm water on his hands, soap cleansing the blood. Nothing made sense to him. Someone led him to a chair, pushed him down. He sat.

He felt the heat of someone's body next to him, grasping his hands. "Ianto, Ianto. Look at me. Focus on me. Come on," a voice came to to him, muffled.

He focused his tired blue eyes on the face swimming before him. Jack. Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood Three. How he had acted in front of the man, throwing himself at the charismatic Captain, determined to pique his interest just enough to get hired, all to help Lisa. Lisa, who now lay dead, who tried to kill him, and convert Gwen, and kill Jack and everyone else, and oh Merlin! What had he done?

"You with me, Ianto?" Jack asked, as he saw awareness returning to the young Welshman's eyes. Ianto found himself nodding, even as he tried to bite down the moan of horror at what he had done. "Good. Tosh and I are going to bring you home. We'll talk tomorrow about what is going to happen to you." Jack was angry; angry at what happened, angry that they all almost died... angry that Ianto had fooled him to such an extent. And yet, he couldn't help but be impressed at all the man had accomplished in trying to save his girlfriend. He didn't show it, but he was surprised that Ianto had followed through on his order, shooting and killing Lisa. He would have to think on what that meant. It might be enough to keep him around.

Jack ordered Owen and Gwen to begin the clean up, before grabbing Ianto by the arm and dragging him to the garage where Tosh already waited, ready to bring Ianto to his flat.

Ianto docilely sat and buckled his seat-belt. His mind replayed the night's events, numb with shock. As they drove, he recognized his neighborhood. He wondered how Jack knew where he lived; he didn't think he had ever put it in his file, but then he was no longer entirely sure what was and wasn't in the file that made it to Cardiff. Dimly, he realized he was in shock; that he hadn't felt like this since Canary Wharf.

He exited the SUV when they pulled to a stop in front of his building. He automatically pulled out his keys to open the door, but his hands shook too much to actually use them. Tosh took them from him and opened the door. They led him in, but he shrugged the helping hands off of him. He walked towards his bedroom, toeing off his shoes, undoing his tie, and getting rid of his suit jacket, letting them drop to the floor, all the while ignoring Jack and Tosh. He heard Jack rummaging around, and turned to see him gathering the gun he kept in his flat, as well as whatever else Jack deemed dangerous. A part of him wondered how Jack even knew where he kept his spare sidearm. The other part was vaguely amused that Jack considered him a suicide risk.

If all that had happened to him during the war hadn't led him to commit suicide, he wasn't going over the edge now.

"I'm going to take a shower," he informed them, before retreating into his bedroom. As he passed his stereo system, he paused long enough to put in some Tchaikovsky. He turned the volume up loud, loud enough to drown out the sobbing he knew would make an appearance while he bathed. His remaining clothes fell to the wayside, as he turned on the shower and stepped in, adjusting the temperature as needed. He let the water pound on him, used soap to clean his body; scrubbing and scrubbing, trying to wash the blood away. Tears intermingled with the water as he sobbed his pain away. He fell against the wall, letting it take his weight. Merlin! Lisa was dead. He had killed her. He had killed again, after he had sworn never to do so again after the Final Battle.

Time passed as he gave vent to his emotions. The water grew cold, but only when he started shivering did he actually get out. He didn't want to give Jack an excuse to come and find him. He dried himself roughly, ignoring as he usually did, the marks on his body. Scars, faint and not so faint, most from before he started working at Torchwood - though he had his fair share from there as well. Three tattoos: one the emblem of the squad he had fought with during the war; the second, his family's coat of arms, with its motto in Welsh; lastly runes of protection and strength, a last resort if all else failed, inked towards the end of the war when all of them realized that as rough as the war had been, it was getting rougher and they all needed every last last little advantage obscure magic could give them.

Ianto clothed himself, having enough presence of mind to make sure his markings did not show. No questions about his past, not tonight. He couldn't deal with those memories, not after all the events of the night. He turned off the music as he left his bedroom, wondering where in his flat Jack and Tosh had hidden themselves, surprised that one of them wasn't waiting for him in the bedroom. Not that he cared. All he wanted was to crawl into bed with a vial of Dreamless Sleep, and not dream or think of what had happened. All his dreams were gone, vanished like wisps of smoke.

Tosh appeared in the living room, a cup in her hand. "Ianto, I brewed you a cuppa," she told him hesitantly, proffering the cup towards him, as if a mere cup of tea could cure his ills, or keep him calm. He didn't like how wary she appeared, but then, he had almost gotten her killed, so perhaps her behavior shouldn't surprise him. None of the members of Three knew him well enough to know how he would react. He supposed he had only himself to blame for that. So intent on saving Lisa, he had ignored their invitations to socialize with them. He closed his eyes. Merlin, what a mess.

"Thank you," he replied softly, manners forcing him to automatically take it. He let it warm his hands, not wanting to drink it. He didn't think he could keep anything down.

Jack appeared next to her. "I'm going to head back to the Hub, unless you needed me for something," he told them. He stared at Ianto, noticing how pale and shaky the other man appeared. He looked like he was in shock, and Jack thought he could understand why. He just hoped Ianto wouldn't give up, not after this. That he had managed to bring - and conceal for months - a half-converted cyberwoman into the Hub, meant that Jack had seriously underestimated the man. Not something that happened very often, and Jack wondered what else Ianto could offer Torchwood. He exchanged a look with Tosh, confirming the orders he had already given to her while Ianto took his shower. He wanted her to monitor Ianto, to make sure he didn't do anything permanent to himself. Jack thought he had found all the dangerous things that Ianto could use, but it didn't hurt to be careful, especially given how resourceful Ianto had already proven himself. Ianto ignored him; Tosh nodded, indicating she had heard his silent message. Jack sighed as he left. God! What a fucking disaster.

***

After Jack left, Tosh sat with Ianto, offering silent comfort. Despite it all, she liked Ianto, and a part of her understood why he did what he had. She did feel a certain degree of envy that he had loved someone so much to risk everything, all on the off chance he could save her. She wondered if she would ever find someone willing to risk the world for her. She sighed as she saw the tea growing cold in its cup. Ianto was in shock and didn't seem aware of what went on around him.

"Hey, can I get you anything?" she asked, not wanting to push herself on him, but also wanting him to realize that she would listen to him if he wanted to unburden himself on her. Ianto appeared lost in thoughts, memories she couldn't even imagine. He was so quiet, so competent and had integrated so seamlessly with Three, that she had forgotten he was one of only twenty-seven survivors from Canary Wharf. She had forgotten that Jack hadn't recruited him, bringing him in after scouting out the best way to do so, like he had done for her and Owen and even Gwen. Instead, Ianto had practically stalked the Captain. She remembered how she and Suzie had laughed at the tactics Ianto had used. It had surprised all of them when Jack had announced he had hired Ianto. She was a bit ashamed that she had thought Jack had hired Ianto because of the attraction both had towards the other, but then Ianto would not have been the first to sleep with the boss to get a job. She suspected that far from sleeping with Jack, Ianto had merely flirted, just enough to gain and keep his interest, without actually following through on any of the wicked promises.

Ianto had quickly proven his capability, though. And while he remained a private man, she had liked him considering him a friend, even as he gently turned down all her overtures. She felt ashamed that she had never even asked how he had survived Canary Wharf, or whether he wanted to talk to someone about it. She had assumed that because he did not want to discuss it, he was over it. But then, if he had devoted all his attention to saving Lisa, the disaster at Canary Wharf must have been pushed to the back of his mind.

Her voice seemed to snap Ianto out of the daze into which he had sunk since Jack had walked out. "I'm off to bed," he told her, escaping into his bedroom. He didn't want to see her sympathetic eyes, urging him to talk about what had happened. Nor did he want to explore his feelings on what had happened. He had killed his girlfriend, risked the world on the off chance he could save her, and instead almost brought death and destruction to those who taken him in after the disaster that was Canary Wharf. He was confused and tired and too emotional to think straight right now. Moving slowly so as to not alert her to what he was doing, he opened a drawer, grasping the vial that laid within. Its lilac color glowed in the dim light, streaming in from the street lamps through the windows. He uncapped it after crawling into bed. He downed it in one go, while grimacing at the taste. He had enough time to push the vial under his pillow before the Dreamless Sleep took effect. He didn't want to dream, not tonight.

***

Ianto woke. He felt fuzzy and wondered if it was because of overindulgence before he remembered all that happened the day before. He moaned in pain. It was enough to bring Tosh to him. She held him as he cried. He wept for Lisa, wept for the poor pizza girl, who had no idea when she came to deliver pizzas that she would not leave. He sobbed his pain, and his hurt into her lap, crying for those friends dead and gone from One. The pain welled up within him, and he started to choke on the sobs, hyperventilating as he let loose the feelings he had bottled up since that day on One Canada Square. They were all gone, his friends, the people who had helped him remember what life was after the war had ended, and he had fled the wizarding world. Merlin! His life was a fucking mess.

It took a while for Ianto to calm down, but Tosh didn't complain. She was just happy Ianto had finally felt enough to cry. His emotionless mask the previous night, the way he had ignored everyone before going to bed had bothered her. He needed time to heal and she hoped Jack would give it to him. Of course, Jack could always decide to Retcon Ianto, and she rather thought Owen would push for that solution. But Retcon only worked at covering up the conscious memories and not the unconscious. Ianto, quiet, efficient Ianto, who none of them even attempted to get to know, should not have to suffer the loss of memories. She already told Jack her opinion on it, backed by the fact that Ianto had followed through on Jack's order, and killed the one he had tried to save. That had to count for something.

***

Jack didn't know what to expect when he arrived at Ianto's door. The other man had been catatonic - or near to it - by the time he had left the night before. Since Tosh had not called him, he assumed Ianto had not tried anything. Frankly, he didn't know what to think about his employee. He would never have thought Ianto capable of bringing into the Hub and hiding successfully for months, a half-converted cyberwoman. As much as it angered him, he also felt a certain degree of pride. No one had managed to bamboozle him in years. And, as both Tosh - and surprisingly Owen - had pointed out to him, Ianto had followed his order. Jack hadn't expected that.

The Future Operations Committee had telephoned him early this morning. They had ordered him not to shoot, imprison or Retcon Ianto. Instead, they suggested a four-week suspension - longer if it made Jack felt it necessary. He didn't really care about the punishment, not really, though he was happy they didn't want him to kill Ianto. Jack didn't know if he would have listened. No, all Jack wanted to know was how the hell they had found out about Ianto's actions. He had questioned Owen and Gwen, and it turned out that Gwen had opted to follow procedure and called it in, last night whilst he and Tosh had brought Ianto home.

"Why did you do that, Gwen?" he had asked. "They might have told me to go ahead and execute him."

She had just looked a bit shamefaced, but her eyes held a glint of stubbornness that Jack was slowly growing used to seeing in his newest agent. "I thought we should call it in," she had insisted. Owen had just shook his head. Surprisingly - or maybe not, given Owen's own history - the doctor had a great deal of sympathy for Ianto. And, as he pointed out, Ianto _had_ complied with Jack's order to kill the Cyberwoman.

"This is my base, Gwen Cooper. You don't call things into FOC unless I tell you to." She had just looked at him, with her big eyes.

"I nearly died, Jack. We all nearly died. And that poor pizza girl did. I was only trying to do the right thing."

Jack had left before he said or did something he would probably regret. And so, now, he stood before Ianto's door, just wondering what he would say. How Ianto felt; what Ianto wanted.

In the end, Ianto agreed to the suspension. Jack asked him if he wanted someone to stay with him. Ianto just looked at him blankly. "No, that's alright. I'm going to London. Have some friends and family to visit."

While not happy that Ianto would be outside of Cardiff during part of his suspension, Jack did feel grateful that Ianto had some people he could go to for support. "Just give me a call, every other day. If I don't hear from you, I won't be happy," he warned. Ianto merely nodded, before making it quite clear that both Jack and Tosh should leave his flat.

"Let me know if you need anything, Ianto," Tosh told him. She embraced him, as he assured her he would call if he needed anything. Jack didn't think he would.

***

Ianto closed the door after Jack and Tosh, and stumbled to the kitchen. He needed a calming potion; unfortunately, he didn't have one on hand. He did, however, have the ingredient for a tisane that would work just as well. Truthfully, Ianto had not expected the suspension. Still, he welcomed the forced time off, welcomed not having to return to Torchwood for a month. Hopefully, by the time he returned to work, the initial shock and numbness of Lisa's death would have passed.

Hands moved automatically, as he carefully prepared the ingredients for the tisane. The water in the kettle boiled, and he poured it over the herbs and other ingredients. He brought the mug to his nose, inhaling the aroma. It brought back memories - none really pleasant - of the war, when sometimes a calming tisane had meant the difference between hysteria and numb acceptance. Habit, more than anything, had resulted in him keeping the ingredients for the drink in his flat. He had locked away so much of his life from before Torchwood, not wanting to remember the pain and horrors of the wizarding world. He had a few potions - mostly medicinal ones, like the Dreamless Sleep he had taken the night before - but for the most part, he lived as a muggle. Except for once a month, Ianto had not ventured into the wizarding world since his wounds from the Last Battle had healed, and he had accepted the job offer from MI-7 to work for Torchwood. He actually liked living as a muggle, and more importantly, it kept him away from the memories.

Except, now he had equally as bad memories as he had of the wizarding world. It seemed as if even the non-magical life he had carved out for himself, could not let him have peace. Granted, he had known going into Torchwood that a certain amount of danger existed, but he had assumed he would live a far more normal life than if he had remained in the wizarding world. He had experienced far too much pain and sorrow to simply accept the job the Ministry of Magic had offered him. He had given too much to the war to even begin to rebuild. Maybe a sign of cowardice, but Ianto had needed to leave before he became consumed. His squad mates had understood, mostly because he had woken most of them at night with the screams of his nightmares. Besides, the Ministry had been more than pleased to finally get a wizard into Torchwood.

The tisane did its work, and Ianto felt a degree of artificial calm settle upon him. It would do. He sighed as he moved into the spare bedroom, a room full of boxes and other knickknacks that represented the hopes that now lay in ashes. He didn't know if he had the strength to go through them. He stared at the boxes for a moment, before he quietly exits the room, and shuts the door behind him. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, or next week, or next year. But not today. Not when the pain still roiled through him, not when he could still see and feel and hear the events of the night before. He wanted to remember Lisa as the girl he fell in love with, the woman who helped him to forget the horrors of the war, not the half-converted… _thing_ she became.

Wandering through his flat, he considered his options. Unknown to Torchwood - or at least he thought so - he spent one day each month in London, visiting his sister, a permanent resident of St. Mungos. Given his suspension, he might as well take the trip up there early this month. Not that Ceridwyn would care if he came early; the Death Eaters had taken care of that, over ten years ago. He hated seeing his sister just sitting there, unknowing and uncaring of who and where she was. Despite the many victims, no Healer had yet to find a cure for extended exposure to the _cruciatus_. So Ceri stayed at St. Mungos, expertly cared for, and Ianto made his monthly visit as he could.

He gathered some items to take with him - colored pencils, a pad of paper, some chocolate - and grabbed his wand and coat. He looked outside his window, and noted that Jack had not - to his surprise - left someone to watch over him. It made his life easier. After locking up, Ianto made his way to the public floo, located in a small pub three blocks away. The bartender waved hello, well-used to Ianto's habit of flooing from here to St. Mungos. Ianto was just happy he didn't feel the need to chat today. He didn't think he could keep his end of a conversation up. Throwing a handful of the floo powder into the waiting fireplace, Ianto headed out.

***

Visiting Ceri didn't change, no matter what day, or time he went. He tried to go when he had the least chance of running into those he might know. Cowardly of him, perhaps, but Ianto had cut himself off from the men and women he had lived and fought with for ten long years. He had craved normality, had craved peace. He didn't want the reminders of the war around him. He visited Ceri because if he did not, she would have no one. The rest of his family - save some distant cousins - had died in the war. More than that, Ianto loved his sister. It hurt him to see her like this, and the only comfort he had was that the ones responsible for her condition were dead.

"Hi Ceri," he greeted her. She stared at him blankly. He smiled at her, gently. "I brought you some things to draw with," he continued. He prattled on about common thing, nothing too important. The Healers didn't know if anything he said penetrated the deep fog in which her mind rested, but he didn't mind. Talking to her, even without responses from her, always made him feel better.

"She's dead," he whispered, holding Ceri's hand in his. "My Lisa. I killed her. But then, Jack said she was already dead, killed at Canary Wharf." Tears fell down his cheeks. "I don't know, Ceri. I really don't." Ceri remained silent. Ianto sighed, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping his face clear. "It will be okay, Ceri. Somehow." He didn't know why he told her any of this - or even who he was reassuring.

He stood from where he sat, and smiled sadly down at his sister. Already, she had opened the pencils he had brought for her and had begun to draw on the tablet. The Healers swore that his visits made her happy, but he couldn't tell. "Good bye, Ceri," he finally said. "I'll see you soon."

He stopped by the Healer's station on his way out. "Have a nice visit, Mr. Jones?" Healer Smythe asked.

"Yeah. I gave her some more pencils," he informed the Healer. Not that it mattered. Healer Smythe seemed to understand though, as he got a sympathetic look in his eye and smiled softly.

"Will we see you in a month?"

Ianto shrugged. "Maybe sooner." He didn't know. With the suspension, he would have free time, something he normally didn't have. Visiting Ceri more often was a nice way to break up the monotony of his day, and also served to remind him that his life could be a lot worse.

***

"Ianto Jones! Is that you?" a female voice sounded behind him. Ianto turned around and looked to see who had called him. "Oh! It _is_ you!" and he got swept up into a hug. His arms automatically closed around the woman currently attempting to squeeze the life out of him. He inhaled the scent of her hair, and he was taken back to the past in a moment. He squeezed his eyes shut. _Susan Bones, fellow Hufflepuff, and more importantly, one of his surviving squad mates_. He didn't know if he could deal with her, but then, he didn't have much of a choice, did he?

"Merlin! We were beginning to think you were dead," she chastised, pulling back and looking at him fiercely. Ianto found himself blushing.

"Sorry," he mumbled, running a hand through his hair.

"Well, no matter. Do you have time to have some lunch?"

Inwardly, Ianto frowned, he had no desire to socialize, no desire to pretend everything in his life was okay. Of course, Susan was also one of the few people who could tell when he dissembled - he doubted he could fool her, even with not seeing her for three years - and so any subterfuge on his part would not be accepted. But maybe… maybe he should end his self-imposed exile. What good had come of it? Normality? Torchwood and normal did not go hand-in-hand. He still saw death, still saw friends and colleagues killed or injured by others. Love? Friendship? Lisa was dead, most of his friends from One killed or converted during the battle. That left Three, and with the possible exception of Tosh, he did not really think of any of his current colleagues as friends.

"I think I can manage," he finally said, realizing that he had remained silent a bit longer than polite. Susan didn't say anything, just gave him a sharp look and grabbed his hand.

"Come on, then."

***

Susan dragged Ianto to the Leaky Cauldron. To his surprise, the pub had changed in the three years since he had last passed through it. Light illuminated the previously dark and gloomy space, highlighting the gleaming tables. Instead of Tom behind the bar counter, Ianto recognized an old classmate, and fellow Hufflepuff: one Hannah Abbot. Susan saw his surprised looked and correctly divined what had placed it there. "Hannah took over from Tom, oh about… two years ago. Tom decided he wanted to enjoy the remaining years of his life. The war took a lot from him." Ianto nodded in sympathy; he could understand that desire. The Leaky Cauldron had represented an uneasy sort of no-man's land between the two factions during the war, seeing as it served as one of the main entrances into the wizarding world. Tom had struggled to maintain neutrality, but even he had failed to keep the Death Eaters from attacking his patrons by the end.

Hannah waved hello, and nodded as Susan indicated where they were going to sit. Susan dragged him to a secluded corner, seeming to understand instinctively that Ianto did not want to draw attention to himself. He might have avoided the wizarding world for three years, but he was pretty sure others would recognize him. Hard not to, given the popularity and unwanted fame his squad had received during and after the war. One of a million reasons why he had abandoned the world of his birth.

"It is so good to see you, Ianto," Susan commented. "I'm glad you had the time to have lunch." [

He nodded awkwardly. "I needed to come to Diagon anyway, so it's no bother." He shifted in his seat uneasily as Hannah arrived at their table. Like Susan, she recognized Ianto straight away, and reached over the table to give him a hug.

"Where did Susan find you?" she asked.

"St. Mungos," Ianto replied. He shrugged. "Was visiting my sister, since I have some time off of work."

Hannah made a moue of sympathy. Pretty much everyone in the wizarding world knew what had happened to his sister. "How's she doing?"

"Same as always." Many of the world's best healers and potion masters had searched - and continued to do so - for a cure to overexposure of the c_ruciatus_ curse, but as of yet, no one had discovered it. All anyone could do was to make sure that the victims remained comfortable.

"You've been working in the muggle world, right?" Hannah asked.

Ianto nodded. "For one of their government agencies, so I can't really say what I do." He did not want to even start to explain his job at Torchwood; it would take too much time, and touch on topics better left for another day.

"Well, they're working you too hard! You look exhausted, Ianto," Hannah scolded. Ianto smiled at her wanly, conscience of Susan's avid interest as well. He couldn't very well tell her that he had just spent the last three months desperately trying to save his girlfriend, while hiding her from his boss and co-workers, all the while working crazy hours. He was certainly not going to admit that the only reason he slept the night before was because of a damned potion, and that the only reason he wanted to visit Diagon Alley was to replenish his potion stores. No, he did not wish to unburden himself to them this day. Everything that had happened still ached with a close hurt.

So he shrugged and averted his eyes. "I have some time off now," he repeated.

Maybe they read what he didn't want to say in his voice or in his body language, because Hannah asked what they wanted to eat for lunch, and Susan kept the conversation light for the rest of the meal. He appreciated it, more than he could tell them.

"Can I owl you?" Susan asked, before he entered the Alley proper, and she returned to work.

"Of course. I'm probably going to be at the Manor," he told her. He hesitated for a moment. "I miss you - all of you," he confessed. "Just…"

She smiled gently at him. "I know. I'll owl you, and we'll talk." She gave him another hug before walking to the floo. He watched her until she left, and then used his wand to enter Diagon Alley. He had supplies to pick up before heading home.


	2. Chapter 2

The problem with having more than one residence, Ianto discovered, was that the one that you didn't live in would echo with emptiness. As a child, the Manor had resonated with the laughter and shrieks of him and his siblings, the gentle tones of his parents admonishing them all to behave. Now, he was the only one left, and the only reason he could even stand being here was because Sirius, Remus and his friends had insisted on making good memories here during the war. It partially made up for the nightmares about what had happened to his family here - enough so that he could spend the night here without too much discomfort.

As promised, he called Jack every other day, checking in with the man. Ianto kept his answers short and sweet, merely informing Jack he had returned to his childhood home to heal, and that he would return to Cardiff at the end of the four weeks. He didn't tell Jack that the only reason he would return was because he didn't know what else to do. Despite it all, he liked working for Torchwood, liked his time spent in the archives, and helping people. Jack Harkness was a very different boss than Yvonne Hartman, but where Hartman only saw alien technology as something to be exploited and to hell with everything else, Harkness genuinely cared about everyone and everything they found. Ianto knew that Jack's hesitance in hiring him after Canary Wharf was solely due to his Torchwood-One connection. What was alien was not always for Queen and Country. And Jack did not have many positive experiences with Yvonne Hartman and her Torchwood. So, Jack's response to Ianto's persistence had not surprised Ianto.

He still didn't know if he felt grateful that Jack had given into his entreaties.

Two days after Ianto saw Susan and Hannah, he received an owl. He absently fed the owl a treat while he fingered the parchment. It brought back poignant memories; he hadn't received mail by owl in over three years, having cast mail wards on himself and his residence after he had fled to the Muggle world. For the first 24 years of his life, he had sent and received missives via owl. He smiled ruefully. He had missed it, missed the companionship of an owl. Perhaps he would buy a new one to take with him back to Cardiff.

"You're expecting a reply?" he queried of the owl, who bobbed its head in assent. A little afraid, he opened the letter, smiling as he recognized the handwriting. Susan must have told Luna she had seen him, for he did not know anyone else who would write in purple ink.

_Dear Ianto,_

Susan told us you had returned, at least temporarily, to the Wizarding world. Harry, Neville and I are hosting a small dinner - just some squad members - tomorrow night at six. Please say you will come. We miss our loyal Badger.

Love,

Luna

Ianto penned his acceptance - he could do nothing else. He did not think that they would let him remain away from them, not since he had made the first overture by appearing back in their world. True, he had gone to St. Mungos regularly, to visit his sister, but he usually went at odd times, when he knew he would not run into anyone he would know. The healers all knew he wished only for peace and left him alone, only speaking to him of Ceri's condition. And so, his friends had respected his obvious desire to remain in exile, and had not contacted him. Unspoken had been the assurance that if they needed him, they could just let him know and he would arrive to stand with them.

He took another dose of Dreamless Sleep that night; his nerves shot between grieving for Lisa and the knowledge that he would see his squad tomorrow eve. Probably not the healthiest way to live.

***

Ianto had only ever been to Longbottom Manor a few times during the war. The squad had implicitly agreed to avoid staying at the houses of their members, not wanting to chance the loss of the ancient wards that often protected them. But, sometimes it had been unavoidable, and they had chanced a short visit, just long enough to lose whatever tailed them, or let them recoup from whatever had happened. In the years since the war, Longbottom Manor had lost a lot of the austereness that had characterized it. Ianto suspected Luna's influence at the heart of that. As he stepped from the floo, three people turned to face him with smiles. Harry, Neville and Luna. Shield mates during the war, and apparently, beyond. He smiled inwardly. They had had a solid relationship and he thought it a good thing that it had continued.

"You came," Harry greeted, striding forward to clasp Ianto in a hug.

"I could scarcely stay away, not after Luna wrote me," Ianto replied truthfully. He didn't voice his assumption that if he had brushed it off, he would have had visitors shortly thereafter.

"Well, the others are in the parlor. You're the last to arrive. Dinner will be in thirty minutes," Neville informed him. "It is good to see you, Ianto."

"Thank you, Neville. You look well." And he did - they all did, really. By the end of the war, they had all looked haggard and gaunt. He also knew that of them all, he still looked as bad as he had during the war. Not enough sleep between the events at Canary Wharf, and now. He had stopped caring for himself, focusing solely on trying to save Lisa. That, combined with the additional stress of hiding Lisa from Jack and the others, plus his rather haphazard amount of duties and lack of a true schedule - Torchwood-Three did not work office hours - meant, he had not had a full night's worth of sleep unless he had self-medicated with Dreamless Sleep. Standing with the three just made it more obvious: Ianto looked almost exactly like he had at the end of the war.

None of them mentioned his appearance and he felt grateful for that. Luna hummed a little song, and grabbed his arm with her own. "It is good that the humdringers have brought you back to us, Ianto." He smiled down at the small blonde; as ethereal as ever, and just as cryptic.

"I'm sure they thought it was time," he commented.

"Oh, yes! That it is."

Entering the parlor, Ianto saw people he hadn't seen in three years. At one point, this group of people had been the closest thing he had had to family; they had lived, fought and done everything together. Seeing them, Ianto couldn't help but grin hugely, especially as they all looked up at him and surged forward to embrace him. He laughed as he was passed from person to person, each exclaiming over how good it was to see him.

"Oi! Let him breathe," Harry ordered.

With a laugh, Sirius released Ianto, causing him to stagger. "You're no fun," he pouted.

"Don't need to scare him off, Siri," Harry admonished, even as he handed a glass of wine to Ianto.

"Thanks," Ianto said breathlessly. "It is so very good to see all of you," he commented, after taking a sip. He watched as to a one, they bit their lips to refrain from stating the obvious rejoinder: his isolation was his choice and not theirs. He smiled weakly as they didn't. Instead, they took up the conversation they must have been having before he arrived. By listening, and occasionally interjecting his own wry comments, Ianto learned how each of his friends had spent the last three years. He discovered that Sirius had taken over the Aurors; that Blaise worked as an undersecretary for the Minister; Luna likely worked as an Unspeakable, though, of course she could not confirm it, merely stating that she worked for the Ministry; Neville, Remus and Harry had joined the Hogwarts staff, teaching Herbology, History, and Defense, respectively; Susan, as he already knew, worked at St. Mungos in their Spell Reversal and Research departments; and Dennis and Hermione both worked for the ministry, the former in the muggle liaison department and the later in spell research.

The conversation during dinner did not lag either. "We don't often have the time to all get together," Hermione confided to Ianto. "We all have such busy schedules. As soon as we found out that you were around, though, we made it happen." She smiled cheekily at him.

"You like what you're doing, then?" he asked. Hermione had always loved to research, to find new knowledge and then share it with them. He had worked fairly closely with her and Remus during the beginning part of the war, learning as much about runes and warding as he could. Later, he had partnered with Blaise and Luna, as they had the most compatible magic with his for breaking down wards. Actually, most of them had sympathetic magic; it was one reason why their squad had been one of the most successful of the Light Side's army. Not that they hadn't lost people - they had. Bill Weasley and his wife, Fleur had originally been their warders and curse-breakers. Fleur had gotten pregnant though, and had retired from the active field, sticking to healing and research. Bill had followed her into spell research, shortly after the birth of their child, as he had gotten permanently injured on a raid, losing his sight in one eye, and partial paralysis along one side of his body. The loss of them had thrown Ianto to the forefront as their warder and curse-breaker. Trial by fire... but somehow, he had flourished, when he had had no illusions of doing so.

Bill and Fleur hadn't been their only losses, of course. Colin, Dennis' brother, had died on a raid; so had Tracy Davis and Daphne Greengrass. The third part of the Golden Trio, as Harry, Hermione and Ron had been called in their early Hogwarts years, could not handle everyone Harry had gathered around him for his squad. His prejudice against Slytherins, and jealousy of Harry had made working with him untenable. Fortunately, he had transferred to the strategy section fairly quickly, before he got someone killed. Mad-Eye Moody had died towards the end of the war, killed by Fenrir Greyback, but not before dealing him a mortal blow. Sirius's cousin, Tonks, had been injured in that same battle, and had spent the rest of the war healing, and helped with teaching the younger members of the Light Side basic defense.

Some had called it a miracle that the Marauders - so named in honor of Harry's father and his friends - had survived as much as they did. Ianto called it hard work. Harry had made sure that each member came to see the other as closer than family. It had not taken long; living with each other, day in and out, healing each other, working together - all of it combined to bond the Marauders as one. They had called each other shield mates; and, by the end, family.

"Oh, yes. It is every so interesting. I have been able to apply much of what we learned during the war to my work now," she told him. Ianto smiled at her enthusiasm.

"It's nice to see you gained something practical out of it," he commented wryly.

She laughed. "True."

***

Whether by an agreement made before he arrived, or happenstance, they did not ask him for details of the last three years. He appreciated that they let him contribute lightly to the dinner conversation, never pressing him to say more than he was willing. It made him wonder if subconsciously he had known he would run into one of his squad mates while visiting Ceri during the middle of the day. Running towards the people who understood him the best and could absolve him of all sin. It was certainly something to think about at a later date.

After the last course was cleared away, Harry led them into the parlor where everyone had gathered earlier. Brandies and coffees poured, they all lounged in seats scattered around the room, the joviality from dinner carrying over. It had a familiar sense to it, reminding Ianto of years past, when they would gather in whatever convenient area existed, drinking and chatting, pretending for a brief moment that the war didn't exist. Or, some nights, confessions and fears voiced, support given and received, a reminder that they weren't alone. Not as long as they had each other. The war might now be over, but the sentiment remained the same. It was enough to steady Ianto, enough to let him speak.

"I killed my girlfriend last week," he blurted out. He refused to look at anyone, consciously ignoring the sudden silence as they all turned their attention to him. But then, he was also fairly certain they had waited until he was ready to divulge the pain and secrets that lay burdened on his soul to such an extent that their weight appeared visible. "Well… she was already gone. I didn't want to admit it. But she'd been gone since July."

Remus and Sirius immediately moved to sit on either side of him, bolstering him physically as he purged from his soul the last months of torment and sorrow. "I thought I could save her. I tried _everything_," he sobbed. Sirius pulled him into a hug, while Remus placed a comforting hand on his knee. Ianto could sense the others drawing nearer, gathering at his feet like disciples - except he had no wisdom to share. Only desolation and regret. He knew he needed to push on, that if he stopped speaking now, he would not finish. He had pushed the effects of the war into the back of his mind three years ago, throwing himself into Torchwood and living a 'normal' life. After Canary Wharf, he had focused on saving Lisa. And now, he had nothing left, no emotional anchor to keep him from being swept away with all that had happened in his life.

Even his squad mates, those wonderful people who had accepted him back into their fold and had not pressured him to tell them anything of his past three years without them, were almost not enough. He knew them three years ago, yes. But that was the past. And this was now. As he had grown and changed, so had they. Except… the connections still laid there, dormant but quivering, ready to surge to life once again. All he had to do - all he needed to do - was reach out, to let himself fall. They would catch him, he knew that, had experienced it in the past. And he had already taken that first step, by admitting what had driven him back to London, back to the wizarding world after three years of self-exile. Visiting Ceri in the middle of the night, when he knew no one would see him, but the Healers, and Ceri, and the ghosts, did not count. He just did not know if he had the strength to continue.

"It's alright, Ianto. Tell us what you can," Remus told him. By now, Sirius had bracketed him in his arms, lending him the resilience he needed to profess his trespasses. In truth, they all were, and for that, Ianto felt more than grateful. Maybe he could tell them all. As if it were as simple as thinking that, words fell from his mouth, and he parted with his burdens of the last three years. They listened, really listened, and offered him comfort, soothing his sobs as he collapsed at last into the arms of many, taking the solace they offered and let go.

***

"Our poor Badger," Neville mourned, watching as Ianto succumbed to his exhaustion and slumped into a catatonic state.

"Blaise, get him to drink this," Luna whispered, passing him a vial they all recognized as a calming potion.

Nodding, Blaise knelt at Sirius' knee, where Ianto's head lay, and lightly stroking the other's face. Ianto stared at him bleary-eyed. "Open up, my sweet," Blaise ordered, and carefully tipped the potion into his mouth when he complied. He pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Sleep, dear heart. We have the watch." The words seemed to act as a trigger, and Ianto slipped into an uneasy sleep.

"He can stay here tonight," Harry offered. Sirius gathered Ianto in his arms, and followed the other to a spare room. They left a monitoring spell on him so that if he needed them, they would come. Later, they would each take a turn sitting by his side, but for now, they needed to discuss what Ianto had revealed.

They re-entered the parlor to find their compatriots sitting in silence. Susan waited until they had taken their seats again, Harry leaning into Luna and Neville's strength, and Remus taking hold of Sirius. "Tell me none of you knew what had happened," she demanded, staring at those who worked in the Ministry, who could have known what had happened at Canary Wharf. "How could they be so irresponsible to not get him help?"

Hermione wiped tears from her eyes. "I knew he was working for one of the muggle government agency, but I didn't know he worked for Torchwood," she confessed.

"I don't think any of us knew," Blaise offered quietly. "But I'm pretty sure that they offered Mind Healers to anyone hurt by the events."

"They probably didn't push too hard," Remus sighed. "Besides, do you really think Ianto would talk about his feelings? If he wasn't pushed?"

The others slowly shook their head. Ianto hated opening up and talking about his feelings, a trait he shared with most of the Marauders. "It's not fair," Susan muttered. "He's lost so much. All he wanted was a normal life."

"Suze, we know what he wanted… but sometimes, it just isn't meant to be," Luna told her gently. "For now, all we can give him is a place to rest, remind him that we're here for him."

Harry looked at her speculatively. "What do you know, Luna?"

She shook her head, smiling sadly. "You know I can't tell you that, Harry. Nothing is certain." They looked at each other for a moment, before Harry nodded.

"Well, he can stay here tonight," Neville stated. "But… we can't watch him after this."

"He can come home with me. I can afford the time off," Sirius offered.

"We can always visit after work," Hermione assured.

"The important thing, is that Ianto realizes we're here for him," Susan said. They all nodded in agreement. They might have lost touch with their Badger, but now that they had reconnected, they were not letting him hide away again.

***

Sirius ended up portkeying Ianto to Grimmauld Place the next morning, as he still slept. After tucking him into the bed in the room that had always been his ever since the Order had rescued him from Voldemort's dungeons, Sirius just sat and watched the man he considered family. Taking care of Ianto after they had rescued him had helped Sirius heal from his years in Azkaban. It had also saved his life. "Don't give up, kiddo," he murmured, "we've got you." He pressed a kiss to Ianto's forehead, before leaving the room quietly. He didn't think Ianto would wake for a while.

And so he proved correct: Ianto didn't wake up until mid-afternoon. Sirius sat next to him, working on reports that were overdue. The scritch-scratch of the quill against the parchment echoed in the room. Every so often, Sirius raised his head and checked on Ianto, but he still slept. Sirius didn't plan on worrying unless Ianto did not wake by dinner. Hermione, Dennis and Blaise stopped by during their lunch hour, while Susan came by mid-morning, bringing Sirius some fresh potions for Ianto's use. He knew that if not for their duties at Hogwarts, Remus, Neville, and Harry would have joined them in visiting. "See, Ianto?" Sirius murmured. "You're not alone. We're still here for you."

Ianto shifted in his sleep, but did not wake. Sirius sighed, leaning back in his chair and wondered - not for the first time - why they had listened when Ianto had insisted he did not want any part of the wizarding world. "We should have kept in touch," he mused aloud. "Shouldn't have let you push us out of your life." He sighed. "But we all wanted to hope you had found what you wanted, wanted to believe that your new life could give you the peace that the war didn't… not that war can give peace."

An irritating ringing disturbed Sirius' reverie; it took him a moment to recognize it as a ringtone of a mobile, one coming from Ianto's coat pocket, where it hung on a hanger. He fished it out, wondering if he should answer. Seeing the display identified the caller as 'Torchwood,' he figured he should answer. Ianto had mentioned something about his boss keeping tabs on him during his suspension. "Hello, Ianto Jones' phone," he answered. "… No, I'm sorry he can't speak with you now, he's sleeping… No, I won't wake him. He's exhausted and needs his sleep… Me? I'm his cousin. He's staying at my house in London… uhuh… well, I'll tell him to ring you back, when he wakes. Okay? Great. Bye now!"

"Well, kiddo. You weren't kidding about them liking to keep tabs on you!"

***

Jack hung up the phone and glared. When Ianto hadn't phoned - checked in - at the time he normally did, Jack had worried. After waiting an extra couple of hours, he had finally given in and rang his erstwhile archivist, and instead of the quiet Welshman, had ended up speaking with some strange man that had identified himself as Ianto's cousin. While Ianto had said he had planned to visit friends and family during his suspension, Jack really hadn't expected him to do so. He had figured Ianto had not precisely lied to him and Tosh when he had detailed his plans, but had perhaps… exaggerated them, just a little, trying to get them out of his flat quicker than they were leaving. He wondered what Ianto would tell them, how he would explain the time off, or why he looked so awful.

He stood abruptly and headed towards his office door. "Tosh!" he called out. "Need you for something." She nodded and, after saving her work, she hurried up to join him.

"What do you need?" she asked.

"I want you to do some digging into Ianto's background."

"Isn't that more Gwen's job?" Tosh asked.

Jack sighed. "Normally I would give it to her. But… I'm not sure I want her on this. Not after she contacted FOC. I don't want her getting Ianto into further trouble, just because she decides to report whatever she finds to someone she shouldn't."

"I see," Tosh said. She looked at him in silence until he squirmed a bit under her stare. "Why are you asking me this, Jack? I thought you actually read Ianto's file after the… incident."

"I did," he protested. Steepling his fingers before him, he tried to put into words his half-formed concerns. "I, just… Look. I'm worried about him. He just went off, on his own, as soon as we left him that morning. I just want to make sure he's okay."

She nibbled her lip. "Isn't he checking in every other day, like you told him to?"

He nodded. "Yeah, but today, he didn't. So I rang him, and I got someone who said he was Ianto's cousin."

"Jack," she sighed. "I really don't understand what you want me to do. Isn't it a good thing that Ianto has someone caring for him?"

Telling her that he wanted to know who Ianto had run to in his despair - who he let comfort him, rather than remaining in Cardiff and under Jack's care - didn't seem like a good idea. He didn't think she would appreciate it, especially since he couldn't explain _why_ he had this need to know everything about Ianto, to protect and comfort him. Ianto had only belonged to Torchwood Three for a few months - only a bit longer than Gwen. Despite that short period of time, he had proven himself indispensable when it came to organizing and keeping the Hub clean. He had never spoken about his experiences at Torchwood One, never told any of them how he had survived the inferno. Of course, none of them had asked either. "Look, just take a look. See if you can find anything."

"Fine," she sighed. "Just ask yourself this, Jack. What are you going to do if he decides to leave after all?"

He didn't want to think about that. FOC might want Ianto to remain working for Torchwood, but even they couldn't force him to stay. He could always accept the offer of Retcon and leave. The suspension, in part, was meant to help Ianto recover from Canary Wharf, to give him time to process what had happened to him. And while Gwen and possibly Owen didn't want Ianto to return, Jack did. He wanted to encourage the potential Ianto had shown to its fullest.

"Jack?" Tosh asked.

He shook his head, unable to answer her. She gave him a tentative smile. "I'll see what I can find."

***

The room Ianto woke up in looked familiar, but it still took him a moment to recognize his room at Grimmauld Place. For close to nine years, this room had been his. He shifted his head a bit and saw another familiar sight: Sirius sitting in a chair next to his bed, reading a book. "Hey," he called out softly.

"Ianto! You're awake!" the other man said, grinning as he put his book down and got up to sit at the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

He shrugged in reply. He still felt numb from last night's confession. "Fine, I guess."

Sirius snorted. "Yeah. Sounds about right. You had us worried, kiddo."

"'M sorry."

"You know, if you ever need us - any of us - you can just give us a call. We'll come. No questions asked," Sirius told him quietly.

"I know," Ianto said, slightly frustrated. "I know… honestly, Sirius. I just…" He trailed off.

"You wanted a real life, away from magic. We get it, kiddo. Just… keep in touch this time, okay?"

Ianto nodded.

"Well, then," Sirius clapped his hands together. "It's almost time for dinner, and Hermione, Blaise, Luna, and Dennis are coming over. Why don't you take a shower, then come downstairs and keep me company in the kitchen?" He stood from the bed, and turned to leave. As he reached the door, he turned back. "Your boss called. You might want to call him back."

"Thanks, Sirius," Ianto said, before closing his eyes. Fuck. He had forgotten that today was a "check-in" day. He should probably ring Jack now, before he did something stupid - like decide Ianto was doing a runner.

***

The phone call to Jack had not proven as dramatic as Ianto had feared. Jack had casually asked about Ianto's cousin, and he, in turn, had responded casually and vaguely. Torchwood didn't have the clearance to know about the wizarding world, but more than that, he didn't want Jack to know about this part of his life. He honestly didn't know what to think about Jack, or really any of the other members of Torchwood-Three. He resented that none of them had ever cared to try and get to know him, or include him in their after-work activities. He hated that they ignored his past at Torchwood-One, that they pretended they were so much better than the London branch. He had rung off, promising to call Jack in two days, as promised.

Taking a shower helped to clear his head, and he managed to put thoughts of Torchwood into the back of his mind. After dressing, he wandered downstairs into the kitchen. "You've redecorated," he commented.

"Hmm.. What?" Sirius asked, looking up from the pot he was stirring. "Oh, yeah. Last year. Harry was finally able to get that portrait of my mother off the wall, so to celebrate, we redid the whole place."

"Looks nice," Ianto complimented. It was true; before, no matter how much cleaning its occupants had done, the house had always seemed to retain a patina of darkness to it. Not so anymore. "You mother must have used some set of spells, to have that much of a hold on the house after her death."

"Oh, yeah," Sirius laughed darkly. "They were something. I'm sure Luna or Harry have the set of spell diagrams if you want to see them."

"I'll ask," Ianto agreed. If nothing else, it should provide interesting bedtime reading. "Thanks, Sirius… for you know… taking care of me."

Sirius left the stove and pulled Ianto into a hug. "Thanks aren't necessary. You know that. You would do the same for any of us."

Ianto shrugged in reply. "I know. I guess… I guess I'm just not used to it. Not anymore."

Shaking his head, Sirius wondered just why Ianto wanted to remain in the muggle world. "Well, we're not letting you go this time. So… keep that in mind."

"Yeah… I get it." Ianto relaxed in the comforting atmosphere of the kitchen, remembering better times. His heart still ached from what he had done - been forced to do last week. He suspected it would take a long while for him to heal from his actions. Originally, he had planned to stay at his manor for the four weeks of his suspension, taking the time to heal as best he could on his own. It seemed those plans were now defunct; somehow, he didn't think Sirius and the rest of his friends would so easily let him ignore them. And that, Ianto had to admit to himself, was probably a good thing.

***

"So, you'll owl us, right?" Susan asked, as she hugged Ianto goodbye three weeks later. "No ignoring us again."

"I promise, Suzie-girl. And if I don't, just floo me."

"I'm going to hold you to that!" she scolded.

Luna hugged him next. "If you ever decide you want to leave… I can use you in my department," she offered. Ianto blinked in surprise. She had never hinted in the last few weeks that she wanted to recruit him for the Department of Mysteries.

"Thank you," he said, meaning it. Working for Torchwood was exciting work - part of the reason he didn't want to leave, in fact. But, he also didn't know if he could continue to work there, not after all that had happened. And, he had no idea how the rest of Torchwood-Three would treat him, when he returned. "I'll keep it in mind."

"That's all that matters," she replied airily. She smiled, tucked her wand behind her ear, and apparated out, leaving Ianto alone with Sirius.

"Thank you, Sirius. I don't know what I would have done without your help."

"You come and visit me when you can. With Moony up at Hogwarts, I get lonely during the school year."

"I'll try to come up some weekends. Or maybe the days I visit Ceri."

"You do that, kiddo," Sirius said. "Now then. Ready to head off?"

"Guess so," Ianto sighed. It felt surreal to be leaving this world - these people - again. Despite not having seen them for three years, they had welcomed him back into their fold, and in the three weeks he had spent among them, he had remembered the good things about the wizarding world, and not just the war. He almost - almost - wished he could remain here, and not return to Torchwood. Maybe one day he would. But for now, he wanted to see if he could salvage anything from Torchwood. Stubborn, yes. And yet, before Canary Wharf, he had _liked_ working for Torchwood, liked the job he did. He had even liked working at Three, even while hiding and caring for Lisa. So yes… yes, he would return to Cardiff and see what happened.

***

"Ianto's first day back is today, isn't it Jack?" Gwen asked as she stood next to him in the conference room.

"Yep," he responded, arms crossed at his chest. He looked down as the siren wailed and the cog door pulled open to reveal Ianto. He looked the same as always, polished in a suit - but so uncertain, so very young. Jack wondered if he would stay.

"Do you think he'll stay?" Gwen voiced his own thoughts. He shrugged.

"We'll see." He nodded down at Ianto, who seemed to be staring up at him. As if it were a signal he was waiting for, Ianto went to work, picking put the trash and debris that had gathered around the Hub during his suspension. "Let's go. Lots of work to do," he told Gwen, leaving her for his own desk, and the files that needed seeing to. She followed him at a slower pace.

"Why did you decide to let him stay?" she asked.

"He deserves a second chance," Jack said. Ianto succeeded in hiding Lisa because they all ignored him, content to let him do his job without a word of thanks or anything else. If his plan had been nefarious, Jack would have let him go without a second thought. But, Ianto had acted out of love, and for that, Jack could give him a second chance.

***

_Dear Susan,_

_It is strange to be back at Torchwood after four weeks of off-time. Not surprisingly, they barely picked up after themselves while I was gone. I am tempted to use __scourgify to make my job easier, but don't want the questions that would bring. I wish they would learn how to pick up after themselves - or rather, I wish they would treat work like they do their homes. I doubt any of their flats look as disgusting as here does if I don't pick up every couple of days._

_For the most part, my colleagues ignore the 'incident' - as I overheard one of them call it. I am grateful, as I don't feel like sharing my feelings with them. Our medic is still a nasty git to me, but at least his remarks are no more barbed than they were before. Our computer tech has taken to bringing me a mug of tea or coffee every so often. She's making an effort to talk to me, which is kind of her. She was the one who stayed with me that first night. The new girl is the problem. She keeps trying to corner me to offer her sympathies, and ask questions about how I'm doing. She never seems to get the hint that I'm not interested. She also watches me, all the time, making up excuses to come down to the archives and visit me, if she thinks I'm gone from the main areas too long. Jack has had to reprimand her a few times._

_Jack just watches me. He asked me to write up a report on how I snuck Lisa into our workplace and hid her for months. I've had to heavily edit the truth of it, since he doesn't know about magic. I don't know if he believes me, but he hasn't said anything._

_Really, life goes on. They are making an effort to include me in their activities, but I'm still on the outside. Jack has made noises about teaching me how to shoot a gun, so that I can join them in the field. I've not told him I can shoot - remember when we all learned? How frustrating it was? But it paid off, in that first raid after we lost Daphne. I've rarely felt as satisfied as I did when I shot Parkinson in the shoulder._

_I'm going to be visiting Ceri on Sat. Do you have time for dinner?_

_Love,_

_Ianto_

***

_Dear Luna,_

_I've enclosed some photos of the Mara that Torchwood encountered recently. I've also included a report of their experiences with them. I've never been so glad to have wards around my home. The Mara attacked several of my teammates during the course of the investigation. I don't know how helpful this will be, but I figured your department might have some use for them._

_The team's all angry at Jack right now. They blame him for letting the Mara take a little girl with them. From what I understand, the Mara would have destroyed a large part of Wales and killed a lot of people if Jack hadn't let the girl go. What is it about little children that tugs at the heartstrings of so many? I can't remember being so young._

_Gwen is convinced Jack could have done something, but Tosh says that the girl wanted to go. All our legends say that once a child has accepted the offer, they belong to the Mara. I tried to bring that up, but Gwen shot me down. Funny how her sympathy for me has gone away. Though, I prefer her ignoring me than trying to get me to talk about my feelings._

_I impressed Jack with my gun abilities. Though, I think he was disappointed that he didn't have to train me as much as he might have wished. I don't really understand him._

_Give my best to Harry and Neville. I'm hoping to get some free time soon, and pop up to Hogsmeade to visit them. Maybe you can join us._

_Love,_

_Ianto_

***

_Dear Sirius,_

_Thank you for the lovely dinner last week. It was nice to get away from Cardiff and the job for a while, even if it was just for a few hours. I appreciated the advice you gave me about my colleagues. Of them all, only Tosh still bothers to ask after me. Jack tries a bit, but its hard for me to forget that he ordered me to kill Lisa._

_I still wake up screaming from nightmares. I'm trying to avoid taking Dreamless Sleep more than once a week. How long did it take you to lose the nightmares after Azkaban? I don't remember how long it was until the nightmares from Voldie's dungeons stopped waking me each night. Luna said she would send me a dream catcher, so I'm sure they will lessen once it arrives. Until then, I'm trying to exhaust myself, or I sleep as Kits. You were right about that - as a fennec fox, I barely dream. Or at least I don't dream as vividly._

_We're going camping tomorrow. Jack wants to investigate some disappearance out in the Brecon Beacons. I'm wondering whether I'll be able to sleep without the nightmares. I really don't need Owen's jibes about them, or Gwen's fake concern. Maybe a touch of calming potion before bed will help. I really hate relying on potions though; it feels like such crutch._

_I've only been camping once since the war. Lisa and I went and camped out on the beach. It was an utter disaster, but at the same time, so far removed from our experiences during the war, that I loved it. I doubt tomorrow's camping trip will be anything like it._

_I wish they would remember Lisa, and not avoid her name as if it were a plague. For all the effort they initially made, I've faded into the background again. A week - at most - of effort, does not change the fact that they've returned to treating me as they once did. Granted, Tosh makes more of an effort, but she's busy with this program she's working on. And then there is Jack. I don't get him, not at all. Sometimes, I think he likes me - you know - really __likes me. And then, he'll ignore me completely in favor of looking at Gwen all gooey-eyed. Speaking of Gwen, it looks like she's interested in Owen. Funny. She always makes a big deal about her boyfriend, and her life outside of this, and yet. She's making eyes at Owen. I don't think anything has happened yet, but I think, given time, it will._

_I think I might be tired enough to sleep without dreams tonight. Good night, Sirius._

_Yours,_

_Ianto_

***

Ianto wondered sometimes why he stayed; why he remained with Torchwood, even if Three was nothing like the corrupt miasma that One became (always was, even if he tried to deny it because _damn it!_ he wanted something normal in his life, and didn't want to think of corruption and feelings of infallibility and what disasters that could lead to). But he stayed, despite it all, stayed because Jack came to him and asked him to remain. Sitting there, on the back of the SUV as the locals ran around, EMTs making sure that the cannibals would live, his co-workers helping as they could, he couldn't help but think it wasn't worth all this.

He couldn't get the smell of blood and fear out of his nostrils. He could feel the panic attack blossoming in his chest, feel the glimmers of flashbacks, of memories from long ago, the dungeons where he was the plaything of the Death Eaters, tortured and then healed just enough to not spoil _their_ pleasure - theirs never his. His hands began to shake and he knew it wasn't just because he hadn't had a chance to take the post-cruciatus potions that he took every day. This, what had happened here, wasn't supposed to happen and he couldn't help but feel _rage _that it had. He lifted his head and saw Jack leading Gwen to the pub where the… leader of this twisted village waited to be transported to jail. He could see, even from here, that she didn't understand, perhaps couldn't understand what drove such people to do something like this. Poor Gwen, so innocent, so _sure_ that humans could never stoop this low, perpetrate something as horrific as this.

He envied her naivety.

The ringing of his mobile startled him out of the daze into which he had fallen. His hands fumbled as he took it out, squinting in the near darkness to see who was phoning him. It was a number he had only recently started to get used to seeing. The ring seemed abnormally loud in the carefully controlled chaos that was a mop up. He saw Owen look over at him with a frown, no doubt wondering who would be calling Ianto.

"Hello," he answered, wincing at the pull in his ribs as he moved his arm up to bring the phone to his ear.

"Merlin, Ianto! We were all worried! Harry was about to send some Aurors to find you, and make sure you were okay! What happened?" He smiled as he heard Susan's voice. It took him a moment to figure out how they had known he had been in danger and then he realized. The charm.

When the War had really started, and the Ministry and the rest of the Wizarding World stopped pretending that Voldemort wasn't back; when Hogwarts had stopped being an institution of learning, and instead the headquarters for the Light side. Instead of classes, they had begun to learn how to fight and survive during war time, Hermione and Luna had charmed necklaces for their squad to wear. The necklaces were linked together in a network, and could be used to find any of their squad members, if they went missing. They also alerted the others to the general well-being of each person. After Ianto had reconnected with the surviving members of his squad after Lisa, he had begun to wear the necklace again, on the request of Susan and Harry, both of whom wanted to make sure that their missing squad member truly didn't need their help.

His hand went to clutch the charm - hidden with a Notice Me Not spell - under his shirt. He looked up to see Owen and Tosh moving towards him, and switched to Bulgarian. He had no desire for this conversation to be overheard, not by his co-workers. "Susan. Merlin. It's wonderful to hear your voice," he began, his voice hitching as it really truly hit him how close he came to dying. He closed his eyes, leaned back further on the SUV side and breathed.

"Your charm went crazy!" she accused, her voice soft with worry.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised."

"What the hell happened then?"

"Cannibals, if you can believe it."

There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Ianto almost smirked at being able to surprise her into silence. Ianto looked up, starting as he felt someone touch his arm softly. He blinked warily at Tosh as she stood before him awkwardly. "Looks like its time for me to go Susan. I'll give you a call once I'm back in Cardiff."

"You better. Better yet, I'm sending someone to your apartment."

Ianto laughed tiredly. "'Kay. We probably won't be back for at least two hours. Talk to you later," he informed her, before closing his mobile.

"Ianto, do you need help getting into the SUV?" Tosh asked quietly, as she watched her co-worker, a man she had felt awkward around for the past few weeks because of Lisa, but one who had risked his life to give her the chance to escape. He looked terrible, bruises and dried blood standing out on his skin.

He smiled wanly at her. "Thanks Tosh," he said quietly, as he accepted her hand to stand. He winced as he put pressure on his legs. The bruises from the baseball bat were making themselves known. He hoped that whichever of his squad was waiting for him at his apartment would have a nice supply of potions.

"Everything okay?" Jack asked, his voice tight with suppressed emotion. Ianto watched as he stalked towards the SUV, anger radiating from him. Ianto guessed that the conversation with Evan hadn't gone in the direction Gwen had wanted.

"Everything's fine, Sir," Ianto replied softly as he allowed Tosh to help him into the back of the SUV. He just wanted to return to Cardiff, to the security of his flat. He knew that Susan would most likely be waiting for him, if not some of the others.

"Good," Jack responded in a clipped tone. He got into the SUV, and as soon as everyone was buckled, drove off.

The ride back to Cardiff remained quiet, with Gwen dozing in the back, the painkillers making her groggy. Tosh busied herself with her PDA, and Owen just sat in the front seat, staring at nothing. Ianto was a little annoyed that Owen hadn't even looked at his wounds, trusting the paramedics to do his job. But then, Ianto wasn't Gwen. He winced as the SUV took a couple of sharp turns, Jack speeding back to the relative safety of Cardiff. The cannibals had definitely broken some ribs.

"You all have tomorrow off," Jack announced as they reached Cardiff, waking Ianto from the light sleep he had fallen into. "I'm going to drop you off at home. Call me if you need anything." Ianto saw that Jack had chosen to drop him off first, something he was happy about. He ached and wanted nothing more than to have Susan heal him. He hadn't been hurting this bad since the war ended.

"Thanks," he managed to say, as he got out. "Bye." Short and curt, yes, but all he didn't really want to be around any of them. He still smarted from their treatment - or rather lack of it - after Jack had saved the day. It wasn't until the local authorities had come that one of them had remembered to uncuff him. So no, he wasn't very happy with them at the moment. Luna's job offer seemed very attractive right now.

"Ianto!" Susan called out from where she waited outside his flat. He held off her hug, and ignored her gasp as she took a look at him.

"Ribs hurt. I think they're broken," he said, as he let them in.

"I'll take care of it. I brought my full kit. Sirius and Blaise are coming along later as well," she told him. "The others would, but they can't get away from their duties until tomorrow."

Ianto smiled. He had hoped - had even known, to an extent - that they would rally around him, as soon as they had heard what had happened. But, after his own team had all but ignored him - even though they had seen and experience the same things as him - had shaken some of his faith. This though, this meant a lot to him. "Thank you, Susan."

"What? Did you expect us to leave you? No way! Now take off your shirt and trousers. Let me take a look." And Ianto grinned as Susan clucked and fussed over him, healing him as she had during the war. Soon after, Sirius and Blaise arrived with food and more potions. As they took care of him, Ianto couldn't help but consider returning fully to the wizarding world. Torchwood had lost its allure - and not just because of the cannibals. While surprising, the cannibals didn't bother him as much as the response, or lack thereof of his teammates. He didn't know if he wanted to keep working with colleagues who didn't seem to care about injuries he sustained while out in the field.

"You're thinking too hard," Blaise complained. "Let the potion work, and sleep. You can figure it all out tomorrow."

Ianto nodded and obeyed. Blaise was right. Tomorrow was another day.

_/fin_

**Author's Note: **So ends this part. There will be a sequel, following up on the rest of Torchwood Season 1 and what Ianto decides to do. There will also be a prequel, which will detail what happened to Ianto during the war, and explaining his relationship with Sirius and Harry. At the moment, I do not know when these will be written and posted. I am currently juggling a lot of real life committments that take priority over fic and fandom stuff. Thanks for reading and I apologize for the delay in posting this; my beta had major computer issues and couldn't get it back to me until now.


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